Babe in the neue city

Now I officially feel I'm new in the city. Because I changed the city for the summer. And so all is new again. Armed with new shoes marking the city name. I also decided to participate in the #30dayselfphotothing I found on a blog I like. I was almost going to get my photos up, when I received a very creepy email from a blog-reader of my old blog and I remembered I was "anonymous" here for valid reasons.

Anywho. I did however like the idea of photos simply because it also matched with the day I moved: between states.

Generally my first day in a new city is always strange. I can't find routes and I tend to always walk to find my way around, and I am always never with maps (will I improve?). At least now I have Google maps (not on my phone though!). I was equipped with directions written down and a memory of what I had seen on the computer. This happens to me on the first day of every new city, but this time I decided to document it. Oh so while walking to the Westendstrasse Flohmarkt imaging it would replicate my lovely Berlin experience, while it severely felt short of it, I traced my own unique neighbourhood route. I accidentally found the Westpark (really cool) and the Audi Dome (ok!) and the Ruhmeshalle (like!). So while I do not regret it. Losing your way is always special ;-).

(From A to F usually a few U-bahn stops with a change and a 4 Km walking way), here's my walk-map. Really disturbed family that I walked so, but then good exercise and a laugh later, no? :-)

Entering home again, felt refreshing, even in a hot (!) sommer dach house.

PS: God (!) created Steffi-Muenchen shoes for a reason ;-)

Ever since I grew up

Clearing out my desks, I found an old letter from 2011. I had forgotten all about it. And I realised, even with its emotionally charged contents- some stupid, I feel I could talk about it, without worries.

I realised that I'm no longer the rebellious kid anymore. I do not need to escape questions or filter information [considering also how I choose the people I spend time with]. Not because I do not care about the consequences, but because I feel responsible for them. It's a feel-good thought. There were sufficient times as a child that I were this same way too, open because I were guilty if not completely honest. Then those troubled teens happened and elongated for an awfully long time. Sometimes, I'd not say what I felt pretending it were protecting the other person. Often times, I were only just protecting me. Not wanting to explain behaviour or getting irritated with incessant questioning- also because I weren't mentally prepared to handle them. I hadn't thought them through. I feel just enough grown up now to realise actions have consequences, which I control. I never thought I could be convinced into making to-do lists with excels, till one day it just happened.

Following the classical Hofstede's 4+1 model, and being Asian enough to avoid conflict by writing an email was just me. Till two minutes on a Skype call made me feel intrinsically confident to start talking what no written word could have been able to achieve. In fact these days I often feel that the Telephone is a substitute tool too. I feel far better standing in the kitchen, being able to talk in person knowing the exactness of reactions and being able to understand. I thought I had lost this ability to connect on a personal, real level. With all its pros the virtual-ness of the Internet had taken it away from me. I seem to be getting it back now. I try hard to meet conflicts. Till I become a natural. Not aggressive, but someone who can talk directly and fairly, or even emotionally as is warranted, conflict or not.

Surprisingly, it's not draining me out. It's giving me peaceful courage. The kind that comes with being in love, and that idea of owning dogs, together.

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My small attempt at translating my own thoughts (for practice ;-))

Als ein Maedchen hatte ich ein grosse Probleme, ich konnte ehrlich sein oder nix. Weil die Schuld zu gross sein koennte. Als ich bin aufgewachsen, "Troubled teens" haben passiert. Wahrscheinlich glaubte ich, wenn ich irgendwas nicht sage wuerde, dann die andere Person hatte Protektion. Eigentlich schuetzte ich nur mich.

Genau von "Hofstedes 4+1 model" menschen aus Asien (naemlich mich) haben "Konflikt" vermieden. Ich wurde Email schreiben ohne sprechen. Klingt komisch, aber originalgetreu. Gestern war die Verwandlung. Als eine Frau habe ich meine Zustaendigkeit realisiert. Alle Aktionen kam mit Zustaendigkeit. Ich fuehlte "Kontrolle".

Ich habe real-Personal-Kommunikation ohne Internet wieder verstanden. Ich koennte mit den Konflikte treffen. Und das war nicht ueberwaeltigend. Es gab mich den Mut. Wie es kommt mit Liebe und mit der Idee dass wir Hunde zusammen bekommen koennten.

Slow.ly

I don't think about writing much at all these days, especially since writing involves deadlines now. My friend once told me how he has nothing to write because he says it all. It started as an experiment with me. I wanted to stop writing emails to be able to talk better. And be able to express well. I tried sufficiently. [Additionally I cut off all channels of unwieldy communication, my Facebook for instance only has people who don't bother me]. Two things happened. My in-person communication did improve- but that probably was more a natural progression than anything else. I also became a lot more silent.

At 17, I told my then roommate that I found that her silence was corrupt. While she silently saw the truth through my exaggerations. I believed, people who do not talk are being dishonest by not sharing what they feel clearly. At work also. My first meeting with a colleague often meant saying- let me know what you feel I will not assume. I'd often tell others how I don't like quietness which later often meant resentment and piled-up emotions.

I just don't think so cynically about silence now. I hear more. And I enjoy it. Sitting in a white car, zoning out of the music that I don't know. I think of different things. Home, myself, things I enjoy, moving moments. I feel a certain sense of control over my small enjoyable moments. Some that I am so smug and happy with, that sharing them is pointless. They even make me cry and just don't mean anything to anyone else. I look outside the window and see the clouds. I look at photographs which make me feel loved. At postcards on my wall that remind me of strange conversations. I even remember being in some of those. I feel lost in thought and I intently try to make the creases on the forehead smoother. I try to look to remember every detail that I don't have enough camera pixels for. Often, I wait for one sip of sparkling water in the dead of the night while I curl back into sleep, quietly. I internalise my love and nourish my happiness from within. There wasn't anything to talk about. I feel a sense of release.

Pragnya: Naive passion

I think this post started as a part of a kitchen conversation on the side a few months ago. On the backdrop of Motorcycle diaries. Do you always know what your passion is, or do you travel inside to find it out? Should one have a passion? Learning Deutsch clearly helps me distinguish. 'Sollen' (should) - gets used post someone else's suggestion. So then, must one live life through the lens of someone else's should?

I always found it fascinating (and also was enamoured a bit) after meeting someone with a strong interest. It took me an awful while to be comfortable with the fact that I could not identify a single personal passion which kept me awake in the night. I live life willing to experience and learn the new.
Still these passion people always entice me.

Here's one who gave up her job for music. I heard "Naive" on oklisten first and got in touch. It's nice to see 'performers' be quick in replying too. I like the details, her voice. Below.

TFSM: What made you move towards an alternate field?
Pragnya: I was working in America with Infosys for a retail firm .During my time there I became very reflective about my life. I was enjoying my job at first but I soon realized that I was meant to be doing something that would make a bigger difference to people’s lives. I always enjoyed music from my childhood days. I learnt Indian classical music from my best friend’s mother and would look forward to going to her place every evening, sitting on the floor with the harmonium and singing. I realized that every time mom and dad called to ask about what’s happening at work, I would only talk about the band we formed, the shows we did  and how much fun we were having. It was when I was working in America that I started writing my own songs. I played one of them for a musician friend and he liked it and said “Lets record it” .So we recorded it at his homestudio. That encouraged me and I started writing more songs, did my first show ,spent a lot of nights rehearsing after work and decided that this is what makes me the happiest.That was the moment of truth for me.

TFSM: Do you wake up sometime thinking about the social pressures of the “conventional”?
Pragnya: Sometimes it happens quicker,sometimes it takes a little longer.Patience is key.One has to be patient with people who question you for your unconventional career choices, patient when you see friends earning more than you or getting promoted,patient when you are denied performances because venues think you don’t have the capacity to draw a large enough crowd,patient with the naysayers.Finally one day when your efforts are rewarded it is worth all the days you doubted yourself when you were under pressure from what the world thought of you.I don’t stress over fitting into any mold.

PS: It's also a good oklisten album to get. It's interesting to have a language mix too.

TheFirstSixMonths: Bookish movements- Nora & James Joyce

This was going to be a post without many stories, but a little wandering. Stories just happened. In the midst. 

James Joyce met Nora Barnacle on June 10. Their first walk and date however was towards Ringsend by River Liffe on June 16, 1904. Leopold Bloom's ordinary day is chosen to be June 16. Celine and Jesse meet in Vienna on June 16.

The very erotic letter exchanges (which were auctioned, even) between Nora and Joyce have led to split opinions on whether this date was "chaste". Like the "potential" implications in Celine's Vienna.

Leopold proposed to Molly in Howth.

Howth

"...I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. "

Nora started learning French in the anticipation of his move to Paris, and ran away with Joyce. They set up house in mainland Europe in 1905 and got married in 1931. As predicted by his father (based on her surname) she never left him.

Every year Dubliners celebrate the first date as Bloomsday, becoming one with the characters (playing a part or two) and walking the "Ulysses path". At times, a Bloomsday isn't required even.

Stories: Here, here, here, here and here

TheFirstSixMonths: The Happy Secret #LifeProject

I've been having, what I call, very tough years, the past few years in a row. It was strange then, when, last year, my mother made me help her with an essay on 'gratitude' for a magazine article she was writing. I remember postponing it as much as I could and not being able to quantify what it meant, in my head, and honestly, I didn't feel I had a lot to be grateful for somehow, in those exact times. Later in the summer of 2012, I picked up a book referred by a friend, which again talked a lot about 'gratitude' as a way of life. I wrote several journal pages of gratitude, even mechanically, as advised. Vielleicht, it helped. Around the same time, I also heard Shaheen Mistri from Teach For India who mentioned something on the lines of how one of their teachers/ leaders would share a plant/ painted pot with her group of teachers as a token of gratitude.

A year later, I heard a Shawn Achor TED talk, and I decided to finally indulge in a small project following it.

#LifeProject: 21 days of 3 new things that I was grateful for
Time period: March 14- April 4, 2013
Curiosity: Do I feel happier-> can I really train my brain to see more happy things?
Additional curiosity: What new things am I grateful about each day-> what really matters?

Today is March 14 when I am starting this post, and I feel cynical about it. I want to try these days out and return to the post to see what I feel in April.

And now April 5, here are the results:

Curiosity result 1: So well, I increasingly hear/ experience more- something that I mentally note to be put in a list to be grateful for. It's almost like heightened sensitivity. I feel a stronger connect with people that I put in my inner circle of friends / people I like spending time with. It's like this weird warmth of sorts.

Curiosity result 2: For the past 22 days, I've been most grateful for the time/ experiences people share with me. I don't know if that surprises me. But this has been true everyday. I was thinking perhaps it's also because in a busy home before this move, I had such an unabated access to sharing (even unwanted at times) that I had taken it for granted. Now I increasingly seek human connect (actively). And am happy to be able to share. I'm not sure if it's crazy happy, but this just makes me feel more grounded and peaceful. And that's snug.

I have also realised I am a bit skeptical about people who seem to have no sense of gratitude towards what they have, and have a strong sense of entitlement instead -of course some people work hard for it, but many are just careless. I rather shun careless, especially about people.

In general, I think it's an interesting project. I'm tempted to continue.

TheFirstSixMonths: Being social- what it says about you

Yesterday night I noticed, while self-Googling [sophisticated social ego mapping what's the shame in that], people like me have multiple profiles on various social networks. Currently Twitter and Quora are my favourite. Twitter has taught me, how I don't need to carry the burden of ending sentences, paragraphs and conversations every time. Also, I am a blog person.

The first time I worked on social media professionally was in 2008 from the outside-in perspective to understand behaviour. And, while it's hard to make generalisations about people and I'd be careful not to, there are similarities, and groups, variants and stereotypes that exist for reasons as well. It's not any different on 'social' networks. In fact they bring out [without shame] the human need to connect/ share, satisfy creativity, and also a latent [or not] desire for the '15 minutes of fame'. Sometimes I really think they allow us to embrace our voyeuristic parts better.

Heartless Doll [.com], oh well, had a list up with the analysis on what different networks are associated with what kind of characteristics of the users. Of course, Facebook is no longer-just young. Wiki is not necessarily invisible, and mySpace isn't what it was back in '08. Twitter wasn't half as big to be allowed much fan space in the little diagram I had created [it's on the page linked below though]. Provides for an interesting read still.

Data from:  Heartless Doll http://bit.ly/16u67yN , Picture in centre from Google images

Just came across one for Instagram users by filters (!) [didn't exist in 2008]. I'm not on Instagram but I have used it, and I was selecting filters just based on the visual impact of the photos. This takes it to another sub-conscious level :P I'd probably need a lot more sustained usage to find out which one I am!