Where is Someplace Else?

I am answering the same question again. Sometimes it is difficult to answer questions when you're not equipped to handle them. And there's no real rule for knowing when you start reaching that answer. (In most fascinating ways, wann (when) and wenn (if) are only differentiated with an e- pronounced 'a' in German). I am increasingly finding it difficult to deny that sometimes in a Park in a massive (but not touristy) biergarten, flowing away with Isar's strength while being in protective vision or just while walking through with handwritten notes of streets on a quite evening, I find myself saying, maybe the present is the future we are always fending for.

Just one casual evening walk

In summer you can't not eat out

by the Isar

TheFirstSixMonths: The Happy Secret #LifeProject

I've been having, what I call, very tough years, the past few years in a row. It was strange then, when, last year, my mother made me help her with an essay on 'gratitude' for a magazine article she was writing. I remember postponing it as much as I could and not being able to quantify what it meant, in my head, and honestly, I didn't feel I had a lot to be grateful for somehow, in those exact times. Later in the summer of 2012, I picked up a book referred by a friend, which again talked a lot about 'gratitude' as a way of life. I wrote several journal pages of gratitude, even mechanically, as advised. Vielleicht, it helped. Around the same time, I also heard Shaheen Mistri from Teach For India who mentioned something on the lines of how one of their teachers/ leaders would share a plant/ painted pot with her group of teachers as a token of gratitude.

A year later, I heard a Shawn Achor TED talk, and I decided to finally indulge in a small project following it.

#LifeProject: 21 days of 3 new things that I was grateful for
Time period: March 14- April 4, 2013
Curiosity: Do I feel happier-> can I really train my brain to see more happy things?
Additional curiosity: What new things am I grateful about each day-> what really matters?

Today is March 14 when I am starting this post, and I feel cynical about it. I want to try these days out and return to the post to see what I feel in April.

And now April 5, here are the results:

Curiosity result 1: So well, I increasingly hear/ experience more- something that I mentally note to be put in a list to be grateful for. It's almost like heightened sensitivity. I feel a stronger connect with people that I put in my inner circle of friends / people I like spending time with. It's like this weird warmth of sorts.

Curiosity result 2: For the past 22 days, I've been most grateful for the time/ experiences people share with me. I don't know if that surprises me. But this has been true everyday. I was thinking perhaps it's also because in a busy home before this move, I had such an unabated access to sharing (even unwanted at times) that I had taken it for granted. Now I increasingly seek human connect (actively). And am happy to be able to share. I'm not sure if it's crazy happy, but this just makes me feel more grounded and peaceful. And that's snug.

I have also realised I am a bit skeptical about people who seem to have no sense of gratitude towards what they have, and have a strong sense of entitlement instead -of course some people work hard for it, but many are just careless. I rather shun careless, especially about people.

In general, I think it's an interesting project. I'm tempted to continue.

The First Six Months: Fitness Monday!

I was recently reading a fitness post on the Internet and it said something very interesting. The best exercise, it said, was the one you were *not* doing. I find merit in this also because the same things bore me. And it's the DDT analogy from my biology class. The mosquitoes got used to DDT sprays and developed immunity. I am quite convinced my cells got used to walking as well. So well time to add spice!

I instantly YouTube-ed then, and came across this really cool 8 minute cardio routine. I have to admit, I *felt* the running man stretched me. Wait till I do this a week and see how it goes. Bis naechste Montag!

Here's the Pscychetruth video that I followed.

The First Six Months: of Anonymity

The first time I wrote digitally, a decade ago, my heart felt a little less heavy, dishing out what I felt about a boy I should've never looked at. Some people are just jerks to you. I could share without having to be diplomatic. Though, to be fair, I was, holding back, behind poor man's metaphors. Through time, even without using names (of others) but talking about feelings in general, I offended some people, destroyed others. By and by I became wary of it. I grew up to become more aware of what I was saying. Old posts embarrassed me. I moved towards writing about things that interested me. Less me.

And then I took this break. A chain smoker gives up looking at the cigarette break. I'd make fun of anonymity in younger days. What could it mean? Lack of courage to own up your Meinung? Then, I embraced it. (Warning: I'm learning Deutsch) 

A friend of mine, let's say we christen him A (for apple, aggressive, anonymous...) was tough talking to me a couple days back. I was thinking about exotic words to win that Scrabble game. He was continuing. He said how his girl-friend could eat me up, effectively because, I showed up as this naive, nice person, without a backbone. (Like the anonymous, I felt). I justified. And then buried it all in a very big Panda Chinese meal laced with Apple and Honey towards the end. (notice how my nouns are beginning to get Capitalised now, I'm going to be this Deutsch writer soon). 

It didn't go away. My father often irritates me by asking some really obtuse (to me) questions at times. And I promptly shift conversation to mother. Once on such an incident, I just didn't react. Normally, in recent Angry girl days I was known to break doors and violently shout, curse at home. And my parents are used to such over expression. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but I felt expressing it outwards made me feel better. And without feeling good, I couldn't have made anyone else happy. Mother marked the lack of reaction hence. I said, without much feeling, that I didn't want to use my energy to fight. Mother felt she had won. And happily said, I had finally become a "good" girl.

Standing outside operation theatres two years in a row and not knowing what is happening inside, letting it all go because you can't control anything, alters a few aspects. I became superstitious to sit. So I walked for five hours between the two stairs the news would potentially come from, thinking that would be better for father. The cells couldn't have crossed the border. The doctor would be efficient. It would be fine. And then nothing. I remember the emptiness that came out of tired thoughts. I didn't want to think any longer. I wanted to chant Shiva's mantra to enable me to stop thinking. I didn't want to concentrate on fights or others. I didn't want to expend energy. I needed it all inside, to walk between the stairs.

I wanted to tell A, there's a saying in our parts, some people are so smart that they can sell someone else for peanuts. I could do that to his girl-friend. Like at work. When I am aggressively efficient. But I knew I wouldn't. Either say or do anything. Because in my head nice takes strength. I just don't care about some fights, most people, unless I'm deeply interested. That doesn't make me a recluse. Just someone who needs depth in interest. I just don't have the extra energy to waste. Sometimes I look at a person and think "I don't want to invest". It happens often.

I don't care if there's lack of courage in anonymity. I value the honesty that comes along more. I've not stopped fighting, but I choose now. I'm too bored to be diplomatic and think of metaphors. Yet, I choose to and Don't Share Everything. I come here to express and open up and let go. To create newness like the The First Six Months. Weil, I can't control the rest of my life. I'd like to make chunks of six months, special.