Ever since I grew up

Clearing out my desks, I found an old letter from 2011. I had forgotten all about it. And I realised, even with its emotionally charged contents- some stupid, I feel I could talk about it, without worries.

I realised that I'm no longer the rebellious kid anymore. I do not need to escape questions or filter information [considering also how I choose the people I spend time with]. Not because I do not care about the consequences, but because I feel responsible for them. It's a feel-good thought. There were sufficient times as a child that I were this same way too, open because I were guilty if not completely honest. Then those troubled teens happened and elongated for an awfully long time. Sometimes, I'd not say what I felt pretending it were protecting the other person. Often times, I were only just protecting me. Not wanting to explain behaviour or getting irritated with incessant questioning- also because I weren't mentally prepared to handle them. I hadn't thought them through. I feel just enough grown up now to realise actions have consequences, which I control. I never thought I could be convinced into making to-do lists with excels, till one day it just happened.

Following the classical Hofstede's 4+1 model, and being Asian enough to avoid conflict by writing an email was just me. Till two minutes on a Skype call made me feel intrinsically confident to start talking what no written word could have been able to achieve. In fact these days I often feel that the Telephone is a substitute tool too. I feel far better standing in the kitchen, being able to talk in person knowing the exactness of reactions and being able to understand. I thought I had lost this ability to connect on a personal, real level. With all its pros the virtual-ness of the Internet had taken it away from me. I seem to be getting it back now. I try hard to meet conflicts. Till I become a natural. Not aggressive, but someone who can talk directly and fairly, or even emotionally as is warranted, conflict or not.

Surprisingly, it's not draining me out. It's giving me peaceful courage. The kind that comes with being in love, and that idea of owning dogs, together.

*********************************************************************************
My small attempt at translating my own thoughts (for practice ;-))

Als ein Maedchen hatte ich ein grosse Probleme, ich konnte ehrlich sein oder nix. Weil die Schuld zu gross sein koennte. Als ich bin aufgewachsen, "Troubled teens" haben passiert. Wahrscheinlich glaubte ich, wenn ich irgendwas nicht sage wuerde, dann die andere Person hatte Protektion. Eigentlich schuetzte ich nur mich.

Genau von "Hofstedes 4+1 model" menschen aus Asien (naemlich mich) haben "Konflikt" vermieden. Ich wurde Email schreiben ohne sprechen. Klingt komisch, aber originalgetreu. Gestern war die Verwandlung. Als eine Frau habe ich meine Zustaendigkeit realisiert. Alle Aktionen kam mit Zustaendigkeit. Ich fuehlte "Kontrolle".

Ich habe real-Personal-Kommunikation ohne Internet wieder verstanden. Ich koennte mit den Konflikte treffen. Und das war nicht ueberwaeltigend. Es gab mich den Mut. Wie es kommt mit Liebe und mit der Idee dass wir Hunde zusammen bekommen koennten.

TheFirstSixMonths: Movie Review- Harud

...means Autumn. Just finished watching the film, and found it disturbing. Not because it shocked me. I am aware that missing people phenomena in the state is by and large a thing they live with. And I do not think people deserve to go through such experiences, even if, a few of them went about creating havoc. I feel people can be influenced into violence, only when there's something starkly wrong in the background. In this case it wasn't lack of education, but perhaps a deeper social nuance. Even if many decided to choose violence, many others suffered in the process- and not by choice.

Germany started the war, and as I heard someone say today, it boomeranged back and hit them with massive destruction post the war. Many people supported the party for the inflationary/ economic conditions it addressed and was able to run a campaign with. Some people fled the country. Some stayed. All suffered. But the politics and war aside, not every war victim, in any form, deserved to go through it.

This movie shocked me not by the content. Just by the mere knowledge that I choose to ignore it on a daily basis on most cases. Like the rest and the other side. I wish I had the objectivity for the problems we face in our worlds. I wish I could push myself enough to do something. Constructive. I wish I could slap the guy who wrote the Times of India review for the movie. Because, giving opinions in the backdrop of severe lack of knowledge and empathy is a listed crime.

Conflict tales are not easy to portray. Conflict changes who we are, and what we project into our worlds. Certainty and Superman are not what carries into the childhood. Understanding it requires challenging who you are as a person. Of course I'd imagine it's easier for people close to it to be able to showcase it. But that's also what makes it equally tough.

People who go missing leave a vacuum. The sort of loneliness you decide to live with. Till it numbs out. As if it never occurred. Not once truly filling up. Even with Rafiq's newly discovered old camera.

P.S. Chasing Tales, at the backdrop of the recently awarded national movie awards. Aamir Bashir is very very creative. I loved the songs in the backdrop also. I wish the muttersprache was used as the main language.